An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telephone, and says, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!"
God replies, "WHAT? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once."
"No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Showing posts with label Lawyer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lawyer. Show all posts
Two in one grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
My Daddy Is A Lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
Lawyer Jokes 4
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since
1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" "No," he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since
1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" "No," he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
Lawyer Jokes 3
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here? "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my' gator."
In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head?
A2: No.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here? "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my' gator."
In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head?
A2: No.
Lawyer Jokes 2
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Lawyer Jokes 1
Dead lawyer joke
Lawyer and the devil
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
Lawyer: Send Me
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
Bury the lawyers
A poor lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court was asked to donate a dollar. "Only a dollar?" said the Justice, "Only a buck to bury an attorney? Here's a ten spot... go and bury nine more of them."
Answers St. Peter: "We added up the billable hours you charged your clients."