Remarks

Joan: You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking.
He would just make snide remarks.

Mary: Like what?

Joan: He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?"

Same Doc

This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a
referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try
an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands
up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates
them
counterclockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this
enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do
that as often as she can, and come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't
work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5
times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at
least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this,
performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her
exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have
a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she replies.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a
circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

Half a Cake...

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until
finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and
soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset
she
was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when
he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and
ate half!"

At Home

"I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every
evening at home."

"That's what I called love."

"No, the doctor called it paralysis."