Joan: You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking.
He would just make snide remarks.
Mary: Like what?
Joan: He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?"
Remarks
Same Doc
This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a
referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try
an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands
up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates
them
counterclockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this
enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do
that as often as she can, and come back in a week.
One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't
work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5
times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at
least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this,
performing the exercise whenever she can.
One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her
exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have
a big bust."
The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.
"Yes, how did you know?" she replies.
The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a
circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."
Half a Cake...
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until
finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and
soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset
she
was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when
he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and
ate half!"
At Home
"I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every
evening at home."
"That's what I called love."
"No, the doctor called it paralysis."
Sale?
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that
showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive
boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising
it."
I/We
At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest and several
nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the
church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him,
"Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her
that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church
property as "our" not "your."
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be
rimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've
noticed
that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention
and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone
missing.
She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop
would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in an uproar of
cleaning, etc. On the day the bishop arrived, the nun came down the
front stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found the watch!!"
The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and
said, "I found it under our bed."
Three Engineering Students
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Warehouse
John was complaining about Vickie. "Since she started working, she has
left the housework go," he said. "In fact, our home has turned into a
warehouse!"
"What do you mean, a warehouse?" Their neighbor asked.
"I mean," John continued, "where's this, where's that?"
Prize!
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never
have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and
streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his
clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the
town hall.
Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"How did it go?" asked his friend.
"Great!" he said, "I WON FIRST PRIZE AS A DRIED ARRANGEMENT!!!"
For My Country
An Englishman, and Irish man, an Australian and a New Zealander all
went parachuting for the first time..
The Englishman's jump was spectacular. He leaped out of the plane
yelling "I am doing this for my country.
The Irishman's jump was just as spectacular as he tell the same words..
Then the New Zealander ripped the Australian's parachute off and pushed
him out of the plane yelling "I am doing this for my country."
Naturally!
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the
beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it
didn't end all that great for me."
"Why, what happened?" he asked.
"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far
because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the
turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched
off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"
"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face
and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."
Check Up
A blonde walks in to the doctor's office for her yearly check up. When
the doctor examines her hands, he notices she has a hole in her left
one. When the doctor questions her on this, she replies:
"Well, things aren't going to well, and I decided to commit suicide. So
there I am down in my basement with the note wrote out and a gun to my
breast. Then I got to thinking, if I shoot myself here, then I would
ruin my $5,000.00 boob job, so I held the gun up to my nose. Then I got
to thinking again. If I shoot myself here, I would ruin my $2,000.00
nose job, so I held the gun up to my ear. Well, I don't like noise, so
I
put my left hand over it."
27 Things You Should Never do Aboard a Space Shuttle.
1. Open a window for some fresh air.
2. Suddenly remember that the airlock door is supposed to stay closed.
3. Play "light the bonfire" with the emergency supplies.
4. Walk the dog.
5. While in deep space, explain, in detail, the concept of black holes.
6. Reinvent landing procedures.
7. Install windscreen wipers, because hey, you never know.
8. Conveniently tear a hole in the ship's hull.
9. Discuss last night's episode of "Lost in Space".
10. Open the oxygen tanks to see if there really is oxygen inside.
11. Use the ship's rocket engines to cook up a meal.
12. In an intensely silent moment yell, "My God! The door!"
13. Replace the cooling fluid with vodka.
14. Smuggle a pack of hyenas into the cargo compartment.
15. Press the big red button.
16. Ask one of your female companions what she's wearing under her
suit.
17. Introduce pig lassoing at recreation time.
18. Radio "Houston, we've got a problem" just for the hell of it.
19. Forget to wear your seatbelt.
20. Bring your own grog.
21. Use the control panel as a drum kit.
22. Five seconds before launch, announce the disturbing fact that
you're not wearing a spacesuit.
23. Try to invent hyperdrive.
24. Decide that the oxygen tanks could use a little helium.
25. Ask what the in-flight movie is.
26. Invite the family along.
27. Practice reverse parking in the escape pod.
Medical Concerns
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex
with
my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is
usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
then
cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the
first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in
December!"
Rates
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable
wage,
I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a
week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
Monkey Business
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little
monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The
officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
Consent
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young
man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving
mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her
with you."
Great Son!
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be
posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a
man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son.
Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a
speaking part."
Bureaucracy
Bureaucracy
Guide Lines For Bureaucracy:
(1) when in charge, ponder,
(2) when in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
i did it
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde
suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to
pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife
when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and
expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might
break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
Small Fuse
There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party
was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic
bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again,
there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm
dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he
says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
Meal Time
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline. "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Pins:
Pins
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several
pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an
apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
Hp Customer Care
Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
HP Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
HP Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller: Wait, I will show you.
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Free hair Cut
There was a good old barber in Trivandrum. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop."
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a \"Thank You\" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another \"Thank you\" Card and a dozen Cakes
waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there......
scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ...
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A dozen software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut!
Top 10 Rejection Lines by Women
Top 10 Rejection Lines by Women
[And Their Real Meanings]
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that banjo player in "Deliverance. ")
9. There's a silent difference in our ages.
(I don't want to date my Dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in `that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system,' much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
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And the Number One rejection line given by women:
1. Let's be friends
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I date with).
IT Consultant
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the
side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a
halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban
sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out
and
asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you
give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock
of
grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,
enters
a NASA Webster, scans the
Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with
logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his
high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep
here."
The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without
being
called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already
knew,
and third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a
halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban
sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out
and
asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you
give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock
of
grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,
enters
a NASA Webster, scans the
Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with
logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his
high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep
here."
The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without
being
called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already
knew,
and third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Flash Game Bubble
A very addictive flash game. Click on a bubble to burst it and sit back to see the magic. Any bubble that comes in contact with your bursting bubble also explodes leading to a bubble bursting chain reaction. The objective of the game is to burst as many bubbles as possible...
click here to play
Shoot Nice One
Nice Games Found in one of the Blog.....
Simple but very exciting point and shoot flash game...
Instructions:
-Use R to reload
-Mouse to point and left click to shoot.
click here to play
A TEXAS 911 CALL
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.
Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Tough Texans
A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out
"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again
"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There are two of them.
"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again
"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi."
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There are two of them.
Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
(And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
(And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
Clinton's in Heaven
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telephone, and says, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!"
God replies, "WHAT? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once."
"No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!"
God replies, "WHAT? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once."
"No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Three Wishes
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.
The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
The intercom
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first."
He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first."
Curiosity in a Toilet..... nice one read fully
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
Texas Air Traffic Control
A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL CONVERSATION:
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised!!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised!!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
Seducing a Barman nice one read full
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Temptation in Flight hmmmm nice one
This Video i got as an attachment in the mail box really funny video see how man supresses his temptation using the pillow nice one ;)
Stiff Sentence
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your assh*le before prison...."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your assh*le before prison...."
Australian Virgin
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
Chinese Jews?
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"
Typical Canadian Male Baby
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
See who is screwing ?
See who is screwing nice one.... i came across this today so thought of posting
Pole Installers
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out.
At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out.
At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"
Big Shot Jamaican
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
The Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Chinese Business Trip
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happened if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
Made in Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.
150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
How did the human race appear?
A little girl asked her father : How did the human race appear?
The father answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made.
Two days later she asks her mother the same question. The mother answered:
Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.
The confused girl returns to her father and says: Dad how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says they were developed from monkeys.
The father answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your mother told you about her side...
The father answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made.
Two days later she asks her mother the same question. The mother answered:
Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.
The confused girl returns to her father and says: Dad how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says they were developed from monkeys.
The father answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your mother told you about her side...
What Happens?
What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (You are cheated)
A telephone operator? (Gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (Dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (Two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (Desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (Lets you down.)
An artist? (Gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (Gives you the run-around.)
Wrong Bottle!!
A woman was sitting in the doctor's office when he came in and said,
"Mrs. Jones, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple
juice."
"Oh my god" she said, "I've got to get to a phone."
"Why?" asked the doctor?
"I may have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."
Whistle
A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is
approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are
my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish
jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them
back to the water at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish
without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you
don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water
and then just stands there.
The warden says, "Now whistle."
The guy says, "What for?"
The warden says, "Whistle to the fish and show me that they will come
out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
Her Size
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that
yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and
panties."
blue silk pajamas
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."
A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
Americans and Russians
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
Two hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Where is SUSU
In a party a lady wanted to go to the toilet badly.
So she approached the host Santa and asked,
"Where is your SUSU place, Please show me."
Santa winked at the lady and said.
"Yea, naughty girl, First you show me your SUSU place and then I will show you mine."
So she approached the host Santa and asked,
"Where is your SUSU place, Please show me."
Santa winked at the lady and said.
"Yea, naughty girl, First you show me your SUSU place and then I will show you mine."
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A question Of Vision
A beggar asked for some money from a man claiming that he was blind.
"How do I know you are really blind?" asked the man.
"Well, can you see that tree over there ?" said the beggar.
"Yes, Of course" the man replied.
" I can't".
"How do I know you are really blind?" asked the man.
"Well, can you see that tree over there ?" said the beggar.
"Yes, Of course" the man replied.
" I can't".
Son-in-Law
A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
Barber and the kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins (1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins (1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER."
Blonde in Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive Blonde woman arrived and bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.
"With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, . I need new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings, her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Some very cool replies
“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the nearest psychiatrist clinic.”
“Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
“Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
“Is this seat empty?”
“Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
“Your place or mine?”
“Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
“What sign were you born under?”
“No Parking.”
“I know how to please a woman.”
“Then please leave me alone.”
“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
“I can tell that you want me.”
“Oh! You’re so right. I want you... to leave.”
“I’d go through anything for you.”
“Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
Tough Medical Professor
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them : “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
First Grade Kid
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Eddy.
The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too."
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal's office. While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Eddy both agree.
- The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs." - Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, "Pockets." - Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Eddy was taking charge. - Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum - Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.
-
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent - Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring - Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose - Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow - Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Source:just-laugh.blogspot
Sex Therapist Office
A couple went to a sex therapist office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them Rs. 300.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally one day the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. The thing is, she is married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Hyatt Hotel charges Rs. 2500, Hotel Taj charges Rs.2000 and Le Meridian charges Rs.1500. We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that back from my insurance company."
Italian Girl
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you."
"And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl."
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl."
Potato Garden
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Scott, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Scott,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Scott
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Scott