Remarks

Joan: You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking.
He would just make snide remarks.

Mary: Like what?

Joan: He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?"

Same Doc

This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a
referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try
an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands
up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates
them
counterclockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this
enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do
that as often as she can, and come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't
work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5
times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at
least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this,
performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her
exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have
a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she replies.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a
circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

Half a Cake...

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until
finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and
soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset
she
was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when
he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and
ate half!"

At Home

"I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every
evening at home."

"That's what I called love."

"No, the doctor called it paralysis."

Sale?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that
showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive
boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.

Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising
it."

I/We

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest and several
nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the
church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him,
"Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her
that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church
property as "our" not "your."

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be
rimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've
noticed
that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention
and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone
missing.
She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop
would be coming for a visit.  The whole parish was in an uproar of
cleaning, etc. On the day the bishop arrived, the nun came down the
front stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found the watch!!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and
said, "I found it under our bed."

Three Engineering Students

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Warehouse

John was complaining about Vickie. "Since she started working, she has
left the housework go," he said. "In fact, our home has turned into a
warehouse!"

"What do you mean, a warehouse?" Their neighbor asked.

"I mean," John continued, "where's this, where's that?"

Prize!

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never
have any fun these days. For two bucks, I'd take my clothes off and
streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his
clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the
town hall.

Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did it go?" asked his friend.

"Great!" he said, "I WON FIRST PRIZE AS A DRIED ARRANGEMENT!!!"

For My Country

An Englishman, and Irish man, an Australian and a New Zealander all
went parachuting for the first time..

The Englishman's jump was spectacular. He leaped out of the plane
yelling "I am doing this for my country.

The Irishman's jump was just as spectacular as he tell the same words..

Then the New Zealander ripped the Australian's parachute off and pushed
him out of the plane yelling "I am doing this for my country."

Naturally!

Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the
beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it
didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far
because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the
turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched
off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face
and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

Check Up

A blonde walks in to the doctor's office for her yearly check up. When
the doctor examines her hands, he notices she has a hole in her left
one. When the doctor questions her on this, she replies:

"Well, things aren't going to well, and I decided to commit suicide. So
there I am down in my basement with the note wrote out and a gun to my
breast. Then I got to thinking, if I shoot myself here, then I would
ruin my $5,000.00 boob job, so I held the gun up to my nose. Then I got
to thinking again. If I shoot myself here, I would ruin my $2,000.00
nose job, so I held the gun up to my ear. Well, I don't like noise, so
I
put my left hand over it."

27 Things You Should Never do Aboard a Space Shuttle.

1. Open a window for some fresh air.

2. Suddenly remember that the airlock door is supposed to stay closed.

3. Play "light the bonfire" with the emergency supplies.

4. Walk the dog.

5. While in deep space, explain, in detail, the concept of black holes.

6. Reinvent landing procedures.

7. Install windscreen wipers, because hey, you never know.

8. Conveniently tear a hole in the ship's hull.

9. Discuss last night's episode of "Lost in Space".

10. Open the oxygen tanks to see if there really is oxygen inside.

11. Use the ship's rocket engines to cook up a meal.

12. In an intensely silent moment yell, "My God! The door!"

13.  Replace the cooling fluid with vodka.

14. Smuggle a pack of hyenas into the cargo compartment.

15. Press the big red button.

16. Ask one of your female companions what she's wearing under her
suit.

17. Introduce pig lassoing at recreation time.

18. Radio "Houston, we've got a problem" just for the hell of it.

19. Forget to wear your seatbelt.

20. Bring your own grog.

21. Use the control panel as a drum kit.

22. Five seconds before launch, announce the disturbing fact that
you're not wearing a spacesuit.

23. Try to invent hyperdrive.

24. Decide that the oxygen tanks could use a little helium.

25. Ask what the in-flight movie is.

26. Invite the family along.

27. Practice reverse parking in the escape pod.

Medical Concerns

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex
with
my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is
usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
then
cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the
first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in
December!"

Rates

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable
wage,
I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a
week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

Monkey Business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little
monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The
officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Consent

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young
man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving
mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her
with you."

Great Son!

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be
posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a
man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son.

Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a
speaking part."

Bureaucracy

Bureaucracy

Guide Lines For Bureaucracy:

(1) when in charge, ponder,
(2) when in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.

i did it

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde
suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to
pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife
when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and
expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might
break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

Small Fuse

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party
was "war".

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic
bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again,
there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm
dynamite."

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he
says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

Meal Time

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline. "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

Pins:

Pins

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several
pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an
apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."