A beggar asked for some money from a man claiming that he was blind.
"How do I know you are really blind?" asked the man.
"Well, can you see that tree over there ?" said the beggar.
"Yes, Of course" the man replied.
" I can't".
Son-in-Law
A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
Barber and the kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins (1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins (1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER."
Blonde in Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive Blonde woman arrived and bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.
"With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, . I need new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings, her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Some very cool replies
“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the nearest psychiatrist clinic.”
“Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
“Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
“Is this seat empty?”
“Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
“Your place or mine?”
“Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
“What sign were you born under?”
“No Parking.”
“I know how to please a woman.”
“Then please leave me alone.”
“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
“I can tell that you want me.”
“Oh! You’re so right. I want you... to leave.”
“I’d go through anything for you.”
“Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
Tough Medical Professor
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them : “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
First Grade Kid
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Eddy.
The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too."
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal's office. While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Eddy both agree.
- The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs." - Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, "Pockets." - Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Eddy was taking charge. - Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum - Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.
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Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent - Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring - Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose - Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow - Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Source:just-laugh.blogspot
Sex Therapist Office
A couple went to a sex therapist office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them Rs. 300.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally one day the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. The thing is, she is married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Hyatt Hotel charges Rs. 2500, Hotel Taj charges Rs.2000 and Le Meridian charges Rs.1500. We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that back from my insurance company."
Italian Girl
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you."
"And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl."
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl."
Potato Garden
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Scott, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Scott,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Scott
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Scott
How you got your life?
One day, God created a dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?"
So God agreed.
On second day, God created a monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
Third day, God created a cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
Fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, 40 the cow gave back, 10 the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Funny Question Crazy Answers
Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a woman you fix your legs and move your ass
Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure!
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a woman you fix your legs and move your ass
Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure!
Views on the Indian tech industry
This is one of the mail i got in my in box today i thought of posting it here because it represents the mixed feelings of an IT GUY of india in funny,depressed and thought provoking way have a look at it:)
It's a topic that has been oft debated - that India's tech industry is a lot like the Chinese manufacturing phenomenon - Low cost, reasonable quality, minimal innovation. I was an employee of a huge IT company in India (what the heck, it was TCS) and have, in the two years in their employ, developed certain opinions and concerns about the direction of India's IT revolution.
Here's how Indian IT companies operate (Infy, TCS, wipro and the second string such as mastek, satyam, patni etc). Hire engineers in bulk, never mind that they are not computer scientists or electrical engineers - if they can write a few lines of code in C/C++ and are academically decent, they're hired . After all, they dont need brilliant engineers - just people who will do as they are told and reasonably intelligent enough to get the client's work done, and bullshit their way out of it if they don't. They'll rarely make CAD software for Electrical engineering or mechanical engineering. Instead they will develop "end to end solutions" for banking, finance, inventory management, website development, etc. By develop I mean code, not design - there is a huge difference between the two, something which I will touch upon shortly. One important thing to note is that the HR in most IT companies dont give a damn about individual interests. They will put you wherever they need someone to slog for them. I've had one HR person tell me that they will put me in a project where they get maximum money, regardless if I am interested or not. And they wonder why so many people leave!!!
What is the nature of the work? At least 70% of the international projects in most indian IT companies is maintenence - i.e someone else has already developed an application. All you need to do is add more features/change behaviour as per client's request . Then there's production support, which is worse. It is almost call-center work - ensure that the application runs normally and if it fails, get it up and running ASAP. Take calls from the client, update on the status. In a sense, like a car mechanic - I didnt get an engineering degree to be a car mechanic - I got it to design the car! Finally, if you are lucky you get development - write code. But then, writing code is easy - it is like manufacturing a car. What is not, is designing a system that works efficiently. Typically, foreign clients get the design done by the likes of Accenture, IBM, etc. The designs are then sent to desi companies, who actually do the coding at a cost much cheaper than IBM or accenture. Thus, all we do is donkey work. It is not technology - it is programming. Technology is a new idea, paradigm or design - programming is implementing that design. Thus, most of the people in IT waste their engineering degrees, doing mundane programming, until they are made project managers - after which they spend their lives approving timesheets, conducting appraisals and sucking up to the client . Wait a second - shouldnt an experienced IT professional be doing advanced stuff and leave the bullshitting to MBAs?
Why is it so hard for desi companies to do design? The've not tried hard enough (yet) to get into this space. They just dont have the competence to get the job done. Desi companies are amazing at procedure oriented projects - if there is a procedure in place telling us what to do, we can do it. They dont have the experience (and therefore the brand equity) to attract IT consulting projects. Consulting is largely a reputation driven business. In order to build such a reputation, desi companies need to hire high-flying consulants - they dont come cheap. Even after all this, there is no guarantee of results! (Lately, Infy is trying to get into this space, I'm told, so good luck to them. I dont think TCS is though :-)) How many software products come out of Indian cos? IFlex is the only company to have a product successful worldwide. Making products is expensive and again, there is no guarantee of success - why risk it when services give me an assured income?
Why do we need to get into high end IT - consulting and products? Simply because the algorithm of low cost, low margin services will run it's course in the future. As payscales rise in india and the rupee appreciating wrt the dollar, margins become more and more slim. In time, India may not be as competitive as say Brasil or Russia - the American cos will take their projects out there! U can see trends in the manufacturing sector - earlier Taiwan was the manufacturing base for American cos, then SouthKorea and then these days, China For too long have we been stuck in the procedure oriented IT services. It is time to invest in consulting and products, and take Indian IT to the next level, or else I fear we will remain stuck in this low end nonsense.
. Indian companies thus have 2 choices - identify and set shop in countries where the low cost, low margin algorithm can be applied (TCS seems to be taking this route) or enter into high end IT, which is independent of geography (Which Infy is trying). I believe the latter is the better route - it is a high margin business and reasonably high tech. What is even better, is coming up with technology - like Java, efficient databases, advanced operating systems (Like Sun, Oracle or Microsoft). That is real tech. It's not that we can't do it. It's just that we dont want to risk it. But, nothing venture, nothing have! Desi companies’ dont even do proper R&D!
Finally, a true story. Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Corporation (TSMC) was huge in the chip manufacturing industry, making almost 60% profit. They could have got into chip design, and potentially, designed low cost chips. However, design is a risky business - what if the chip bombs? TSMC chose to stick to it's core competence - fabrication. In time, TSMC's profits have declined to 20% or so... they're still number one, but don’t make as much money as they used to... Are we learning yet?
PS: Work at TCS drove me so crazy; I quit to do a PhD :-)
It's a topic that has been oft debated - that India's tech industry is a lot like the Chinese manufacturing phenomenon - Low cost, reasonable quality, minimal innovation. I was an employee of a huge IT company in India (what the heck, it was TCS) and have, in the two years in their employ, developed certain opinions and concerns about the direction of India's IT revolution.
Here's how Indian IT companies operate (Infy, TCS, wipro and the second string such as mastek, satyam, patni etc). Hire engineers in bulk, never mind that they are not computer scientists or electrical engineers - if they can write a few lines of code in C/C++ and are academically decent, they're hired . After all, they dont need brilliant engineers - just people who will do as they are told and reasonably intelligent enough to get the client's work done, and bullshit their way out of it if they don't. They'll rarely make CAD software for Electrical engineering or mechanical engineering. Instead they will develop "end to end solutions" for banking, finance, inventory management, website development, etc. By develop I mean code, not design - there is a huge difference between the two, something which I will touch upon shortly. One important thing to note is that the HR in most IT companies dont give a damn about individual interests. They will put you wherever they need someone to slog for them. I've had one HR person tell me that they will put me in a project where they get maximum money, regardless if I am interested or not. And they wonder why so many people leave!!!
What is the nature of the work? At least 70% of the international projects in most indian IT companies is maintenence - i.e someone else has already developed an application. All you need to do is add more features/change behaviour as per client's request . Then there's production support, which is worse. It is almost call-center work - ensure that the application runs normally and if it fails, get it up and running ASAP. Take calls from the client, update on the status. In a sense, like a car mechanic - I didnt get an engineering degree to be a car mechanic - I got it to design the car! Finally, if you are lucky you get development - write code. But then, writing code is easy - it is like manufacturing a car. What is not, is designing a system that works efficiently. Typically, foreign clients get the design done by the likes of Accenture, IBM, etc. The designs are then sent to desi companies, who actually do the coding at a cost much cheaper than IBM or accenture. Thus, all we do is donkey work. It is not technology - it is programming. Technology is a new idea, paradigm or design - programming is implementing that design. Thus, most of the people in IT waste their engineering degrees, doing mundane programming, until they are made project managers - after which they spend their lives approving timesheets, conducting appraisals and sucking up to the client . Wait a second - shouldnt an experienced IT professional be doing advanced stuff and leave the bullshitting to MBAs?
Why is it so hard for desi companies to do design? The've not tried hard enough (yet) to get into this space. They just dont have the competence to get the job done. Desi companies are amazing at procedure oriented projects - if there is a procedure in place telling us what to do, we can do it. They dont have the experience (and therefore the brand equity) to attract IT consulting projects. Consulting is largely a reputation driven business. In order to build such a reputation, desi companies need to hire high-flying consulants - they dont come cheap. Even after all this, there is no guarantee of results! (Lately, Infy is trying to get into this space, I'm told, so good luck to them. I dont think TCS is though :-)) How many software products come out of Indian cos? IFlex is the only company to have a product successful worldwide. Making products is expensive and again, there is no guarantee of success - why risk it when services give me an assured income?
Why do we need to get into high end IT - consulting and products? Simply because the algorithm of low cost, low margin services will run it's course in the future. As payscales rise in india and the rupee appreciating wrt the dollar, margins become more and more slim. In time, India may not be as competitive as say Brasil or Russia - the American cos will take their projects out there! U can see trends in the manufacturing sector - earlier Taiwan was the manufacturing base for American cos, then SouthKorea and then these days, China For too long have we been stuck in the procedure oriented IT services. It is time to invest in consulting and products, and take Indian IT to the next level, or else I fear we will remain stuck in this low end nonsense.
. Indian companies thus have 2 choices - identify and set shop in countries where the low cost, low margin algorithm can be applied (TCS seems to be taking this route) or enter into high end IT, which is independent of geography (Which Infy is trying). I believe the latter is the better route - it is a high margin business and reasonably high tech. What is even better, is coming up with technology - like Java, efficient databases, advanced operating systems (Like Sun, Oracle or Microsoft). That is real tech. It's not that we can't do it. It's just that we dont want to risk it. But, nothing venture, nothing have! Desi companies’ dont even do proper R&D!
Finally, a true story. Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Corporation (TSMC) was huge in the chip manufacturing industry, making almost 60% profit. They could have got into chip design, and potentially, designed low cost chips. However, design is a risky business - what if the chip bombs? TSMC chose to stick to it's core competence - fabrication. In time, TSMC's profits have declined to 20% or so... they're still number one, but don’t make as much money as they used to... Are we learning yet?
PS: Work at TCS drove me so crazy; I quit to do a PhD :-)
The Lost Vikings
Exercise your gray cells with this flash puzzle game. The objective is to "Reach home"
click here to play
Doing more with less...
21st Century....We are becoming lesser by the day
Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our dress - Topless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Boss - Brainless
Our Salary - Very less
Our E-mails - Useless
Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our dress - Topless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Boss - Brainless
Our Salary - Very less
Our E-mails - Useless
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Red Fm Valentines Day Special Bash
Hi this was a live Conversation btw the two valentines the funny part is the guy revealed that he was married thinking his wife was on air and see how the conversation goes :)
PS: The Conversation is totally in HINDI
Note:If you cant see the media player and if your browser is mozilla please install the apple quick time plugin http://www.apple.com/support/downloads/quicktime652forwindows.html
and restart the system...
PS: The Conversation is totally in HINDI
Note:If you cant see the media player and if your browser is mozilla please install the apple quick time plugin http://www.apple.com/support/downloads/quicktime652forwindows.html
and restart the system...
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Two in one grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
My Daddy Is A Lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
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From a catalogue :)
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From a catalogue :)
Three Nuns
there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'
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4 letter words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Trip to Chicago
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob exclaims, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Gay Man Funeral
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Gynaecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
Nothing Sir
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What are you doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Perfect SON
1st man: I have the perfect son.
2nd man: Does he smoke?
1st man: No, he doesn't.
2nd man: Does he drink whiskey?
1st man: No, he doesn't.
2nd man: Does he ever come home late?
1st man: No, he doesn't.
2nd man: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
1st man: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
2nd man: Does he smoke?
1st man: No, he doesn't.
2nd man: Does he drink whiskey?
1st man: No, he doesn't.
2nd man: Does he ever come home late?
1st man: No, he doesn't.
2nd man: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
1st man: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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